If there is just one lesson that my yoga practice has taught me it’s that everything is okay. Even if it feels like it isn’t, even if we feel sometimes like we are drowning – it’s okay. It’s okay to feel however you feel, it’s okay for you to make choices that people don’t always agree with, it’s okay to simply be you. We don’t have all the answers, we don’t always get it right and that’s still okay. My yoga practice has taught me to stay in the present moment as much as possible. My practice has taught me to slow down, listen to my breath and honour what I need in the moment. When I follow both of these principles, somehow everything comes in line. What needs to happen does, even if I don’t totally understand it at the time. Yes, life is unfair sometimes. Yes, bad things happen to good people, but good things also happen to good people too. Knowing the light is there, even if you can’t see it, is enough. It’s okay.
Last year reached a culmination of challenges for me. I’ve shared through my blog the changes that I have made in my professional life, and that despite my fear of the unknown here I am sitting in my home office in my pjs with the sun pouring in the window and cats sleeping at my feet. I’m happy, and it feels like there was such a long time that I wasn’t. That I couldn’t be present, despite my best efforts. That my life wasn’t complete or ready to begin until I had ticked everything off my list. After three plus years of trying we came to terms that having children was not going to be part of our life’s plan. Standing in the kitchen that day, looking at my husband as I told him I couldn’t go forward with a second IVF treatment, a newfound peace washed over me. I was done fighting and ready to accept and enjoy all the other tremendous gifts I have been given: my health, an amazing partner, my family and friends and all the other babies in my life I have had a chance to watch grow up. We started trying for kids pretty much on our one-year dating anniversary (we were also 39 – I need to be clear). Three out of four years spent not present in our relationship, trying for something constantly out of reach, unhappy in our careers, for so long life just didn’t feel okay at all. But the irony is – it was. It was always okay I just need to be okay with it. I had to come back to one of my hardest yoga lessons: santosha, acceptance.
When we finally accept what is, we can see clearly on how to make appropriate changes. We can finally see the other side to the story. Part of that was our ability to take off for two months and travel. Life comes in so many layers and so many complexities and if we are lucky every now and then we find a moment of peace, where it all makes sense. I had that moment in September, walking out onto the beach in Bali as the sun was setting. The beauty of that view will be etched in my mind for the rest of my life. That all the things that happened both good and bad over the last few years had culminated to this. I was instantly moved to tears and sat staring out at the waves until I could only see them by the light of the stars. I changed in that moment, in the same way we often change after major life occasions of births and marriages and deaths. I was ready to move forward, ready to live fully and in the moment. I still toggle back and forth in my own melancholy way from time to time, this is life after all, but I hold a different peace in my heart now. I accept my path, and I am deeply grateful.
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